Transgender Awareness Week and Day of Remembrance

A friend of mine, F, is a transgender female to male living in the Midwest. In honor of Transgender Awareness Week and Transgender Day of Remembrance, he has very generously offered to answer some of my questions about life as a transmale and some of the challenges he faces. I cannot thank him enough for agreeing to this, and I hope this Q&A helps you better understand and appreciate a particular transgender person’s world.

Before I do the question and answer portion of this post, I want to be sure to include a couple of disclaimers. First, everything written below is the opinion of one transguy. I cannot and will not pretend to represent the entire community. So please, take what you read at face value. Second, if you need more information on the subject please try reading Transition and Beyond, Observations on Gender Identity by Reid Vanderburgh, MA, LMFT. Third, if you take nothing else away from this please remember that most people don’t want to be an example. Most people want to live average, quiet, wholly unexceptional lives. –F

When did you realize you wanted to live as a male?

Feeling male has long been an undertone in my life. When I was in high school I hit rock bottom and forced myself to figure out what it was that was going on with me, but I can remember as far back as third grade openly telling my parents that I was a boy. As you can imagine, that didn’t go over well. I spent a long time burying these feelings hoping that they would go away. Eventually it got to a point where even a quiet, timid guy like myself had to assert himself. When I moved out of state at 18 that time came. In a whole new place, without anyone I knew around for miles, I asserted who I was and I began to feel at home. It was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. Since then the medical transition has begun. I started hormones two and a half years later, and about six months there after had chest surgery. I felt like I finally started to live. –That’s the short version.

Can you give a couple of examples of behaviors you had to learn in order to present as a male (i.e. using a urinal, etc.)? Was it hard or scary the first time you performed these behaviors?

This is actually a really good question. When I started living as male I was not read as male all of the time. (Meaning, people did not always perceive me as male.) In the same way that a child learns the rules of human society, I had to re-learn how to act. I had to learn what it really meant to be male. Don’t cross your legs at your knees, cross them by putting your ankle on the opposite knee. Take up as much space as possible. You may laugh when you read that last one, but truthfully, men take up a great deal more space than women. When men sit down they tend to say “I own this seat (and the seats on either side of me),” and when most women sit down they seem to say “I’ll just sit right here for a minute.” Don’t move for anyone when you’re walking, they’ll get out of your way. –Unless they’re female or a child, then casually step to the side. After all, we weren’t raised by wolves. I could go on with these for a long time. It seems as though there really is a book full of all the dos and don’ts that you slowly but surely acquire as you grow up. And most men follow most of the rules without even realizing what they are doing. Now, I am much the same way. I follow male social rules without giving them any thought.

How did you tell your family about your decision to live openly as a male? What were or continue to be some challenges for them?

I took the band-aid approach with my immediate family and came right out and said “I’m trans.” There was a lot of crying from my mother, confusion from my father, acceptance from my sister, and denial that continues to this day from my brother. They try. Using male pronouns (‘he’) is still an issue for some of them. My parents have a hard time understanding and my mother has a tendency to blame herself, though no blame should put on anyone. With my extended family, I have written some family members letters who I see often and still haven’t addressed the topic with others. The fact of the matter is that I don’t know exactly how to tell people who I don’t feel close to. It is hard to broach such an intimate subject with people who know nothing about the rest of my life. To have to say “I’m a guy” is really strange, actually.

Tell me about dating. How do you tell a straight female who believes she is dating an cisgendered male (meaning the opposite of a transmale, a guy who was born genetically and anatomically male) that you are trans and thus have different anatomy? Have most women been okay or not okay with this news?

This is one of the most difficult moments that seems to keep repeating itself in my life. You know that nervous moment you have right before you ask that cute girl out from the office or the moment before the first time you kiss someone where your palms get clammy and you forget how to talk? This is worse. There is no guide on how or, even more importantly, when to tell a girl that she’s completely right, you are a guy but that you’re not exactly what she may have been expecting physically. I’ve been fortunate not to have any horror stories with this conversation. It tends to cause some confusion and a few very awkward questions, but, she’s the one person who is allowed to ask you about your genitals. After all, she might sleep with you some day and that does give her a very good reason to ask. So far I’ve been lucky enough to meet open-minded women who may have a mental block about how things will work but who are willing to ask questions and see how it goes. This is, unfortunately, not the case for many of the transguys I know.

What are some of the challenges transpeople face in terms of receiving genital surgery?

Frankly, it is expensive, REALLY EXPENSIVE. I’m talking, you could buy a house for what some surgeons will charge you. In addition, the best surgeons are located outside of this country–think Serbia or Thailand for example. The real trump card on this one is that they don’t produce average male genitals when you’re done. So you can leave the country, spend more money than you have, and you’re still not working with what a cisgendered guy is born with. Let me refer you to Hudson’s FTM Resource Guide if you’re interested in more details on what is out there and about how much it will cost you.

If you could give one or two piece of advice to someone who is coming out as transgender, what would you say?

Know that there are other people like you out there. It’s a tough road you’re going to face, but you are not alone. You are not the first to have to blaze this trail and you certainly will not be the last. Find your community of support where you feel comfortable. I personally am not very active in the LGBT community and feel more comfortable seeking support in my long-time hetero, cisgendered friends. They might not have ever been through what I’m going through, but the people who love you will listen to you anyway.

Know that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be an example. Activism is great, and if it is your calling please do work for equality, someone has to. That being said, you have to live your life the way you want to. Coming out as trans is not the same as coming out as gay or lesbian. You may want to live out and proud or you may want to live stealth, where no one knows that you are trans. Either choice is okay, and you can change your mind at any time. There is NO one way to be trans. Every transguy and every transwoman lives their life differently than the rest. Just be who you are.

What are your hopes for the future of transpeople in society?

Ultimately, I would like equality. Being a second-class citizen is not a good feeling. Among the things that I would like to see are access to medical care that is covered under insurance, anti-discrimination laws in employment and education, and anti-hate crime law that includes transgender people. I would like every person to be afforded to live a quiet life if they want to. I would like for people to understand that trans people aren’t crazy, they aren’t sick, and they aren’t perverted. All I ever wanted was to be who I was and be accepted for it. I think a lot of trans people want the same thing. Acceptance and understanding.